I've heard from many of you--a big thanks! Let's keep the Sassy Train rolling full steam ahead so please send me any thoughts you have.......
Again, I'll be adding some contributing male writers to my blog and would love to hear from you with regards to questions you'd like answered or topics discussed......let's talk turkey with our menfolk and find out what they are really thinking, hating, loving, whatever.......send your goods, bads and everything in between to kelly@kellyvonsassypants.com
And don't forget to be AWESOME!!!!!!!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
LOL, LMAO, TBH.....WTF???????
It seems texting and messaging have significantly impacted human socialization--and I hate it! I'm the type of person who enjoys conversation. Remember talking? Actually looking at a person while engaging? As opposed to sitting 2 feet from someone while texting them? JEEZ! Where did we go wrong.....
When I was growing up, we had two acronym "phrases" that we used: LYLAS and BFF. And these were even used sparingly....writing notes in class......signing yearbooks, etc. Something like, "Have a bitchin' summer! History was a blast! LYLAS!" These were impactful sentiments and you didn't need a tutorial to keep up with what all the abbreviations meant.
I am so tragically unhip when it comes to this stuff--I have no idea what 90% of "text-speak" means--I just figured out LOL and LMAO and I refuse to use them. I'd rather tell someone that I think they are hysterical--who wouldn't want to hear that?
With all this silly stuff on the rise, I fear our conversations will soon be reduced to just a bunch of scrambled letters with supposed meaning:
Person 1: Hey! KLODKOTGISMNNKXMLLOONDCF?
Person 2: Yes! OOOPPLEDNUGGGTTTDCV? FRUIOJNGFGHJKSKSKWWWWWWWW!
Person 3: I totally agree!
When this happens, I guess I'll just have to throw my phone away. I think I'll just tie two tin cans together with a piece of string and carry it with me on the off chance someone really wants to talk to me from a distance. OMG!!!!!!
When I was growing up, we had two acronym "phrases" that we used: LYLAS and BFF. And these were even used sparingly....writing notes in class......signing yearbooks, etc. Something like, "Have a bitchin' summer! History was a blast! LYLAS!" These were impactful sentiments and you didn't need a tutorial to keep up with what all the abbreviations meant.
I am so tragically unhip when it comes to this stuff--I have no idea what 90% of "text-speak" means--I just figured out LOL and LMAO and I refuse to use them. I'd rather tell someone that I think they are hysterical--who wouldn't want to hear that?
With all this silly stuff on the rise, I fear our conversations will soon be reduced to just a bunch of scrambled letters with supposed meaning:
Person 1: Hey! KLODKOTGISMNNKXMLLOONDCF?
Person 2: Yes! OOOPPLEDNUGGGTTTDCV? FRUIOJNGFGHJKSKSKWWWWWWWW!
Person 3: I totally agree!
When this happens, I guess I'll just have to throw my phone away. I think I'll just tie two tin cans together with a piece of string and carry it with me on the off chance someone really wants to talk to me from a distance. OMG!!!!!!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Victory Prance
When it comes to displaying their natural response to victorious moves on the field, my kids could not be more different. My daughter is intense and introspective, and when she scores a goal in soccer, she jogs back to her spot with a satisfied grin while her teammates high five her and pat her back. She displays the kind of humbled charm that is so rare--no fanfare, no "look at me!", just a classic smile that speaks volumes for her sportsmanship. My son, however, is a different story entirely...
P-man is the Rodney Dangerfield of sports. He is a good athlete who loves to fire up both the team and crowd with full-on razzle dazzle ballyhoo. For a long time, his show stopper was cartwheel turning. If he scored a goal or touchdown--he'd start spinning his body all over the place--finishing with a big "ta da"! The kid is the biggest ham ever created.
Recently, I showed my kids a couple funny parts from Monty Python's Holy Grail and they ate it up--which I loved! The following week at his game, my son scored a goal and immediately followed it with a side gallop while clicking imaginary coconut shells. His "King Arthuring" made me beam with pride. Especially when he remembered to pull back on the invisible reigns of his invisible horse......
P-man is the Rodney Dangerfield of sports. He is a good athlete who loves to fire up both the team and crowd with full-on razzle dazzle ballyhoo. For a long time, his show stopper was cartwheel turning. If he scored a goal or touchdown--he'd start spinning his body all over the place--finishing with a big "ta da"! The kid is the biggest ham ever created.
Recently, I showed my kids a couple funny parts from Monty Python's Holy Grail and they ate it up--which I loved! The following week at his game, my son scored a goal and immediately followed it with a side gallop while clicking imaginary coconut shells. His "King Arthuring" made me beam with pride. Especially when he remembered to pull back on the invisible reigns of his invisible horse......
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Can I Borrow Your Kevlar, Please?
A couple years ago I witnessed a bank robbery. Well, I didn't see the actual stick up, but I did stumble upon the craziness that took place outside of the bank.....as a matter of fact....I think I might have been one of the reasons the bad guys got away.
I had just gotten a mani/pedi and I was parked down the way in front of the bank. I left the nail salon in a scattered rush because I realized I was late for carpool pick-up. Running as fast as I could, I competed with my wet nails and paper flip flops--trying to keep your toes spread apart while running is not easy, but somehow I managed to get to my car--nails unscathed. Perfect.
I jumped in, went to back up, and realized I was blocked in by a huge armored police van. I rolled down my window and noticed a policeman creeping up the side of my car--he was in full SWAT gear. "Yoo hoo, Officer. Can you move your van please? I'm late for carpool," I said with a big friendly grin.
You should have seen the look this man gave me. It was somewhere between shock, disgust, and complete irritation. His extreme expression, coupled with his emphatic "SHHHHH!!!" led me to believe some serious monkey business was happening. Man oh man, am I quick or what? (NOT!) My Nancy Drew instincts led me to connect the dots and I realized he was edging towards the bank..."Oh my God! Is somebody robbing the bank? Do something!" I screamed. "SSSSHHHHHH!!!!" the policeman again shushed me and frantically tried to wave me to be quiet. I was stuck. Stuck in my car. And stuck with no protection whatsoever---if the robbers came flying out of the bank, firing aimlessly, I had no way to escape. I thought about asking for a Kevlar from my new police friend, but he looked busy so I didn't want to bug him anymore......I already felt like the biggest pest.
All of a sudden, 3 tellers came running out of the bank--the robbers let everyone go then apparently snuck out the back. Fortunately everyone was safe but the crime was not foiled. For some reason I feel like I might have been part of the problem as opposed to the solution......not sure why....
I had just gotten a mani/pedi and I was parked down the way in front of the bank. I left the nail salon in a scattered rush because I realized I was late for carpool pick-up. Running as fast as I could, I competed with my wet nails and paper flip flops--trying to keep your toes spread apart while running is not easy, but somehow I managed to get to my car--nails unscathed. Perfect.
I jumped in, went to back up, and realized I was blocked in by a huge armored police van. I rolled down my window and noticed a policeman creeping up the side of my car--he was in full SWAT gear. "Yoo hoo, Officer. Can you move your van please? I'm late for carpool," I said with a big friendly grin.
You should have seen the look this man gave me. It was somewhere between shock, disgust, and complete irritation. His extreme expression, coupled with his emphatic "SHHHHH!!!" led me to believe some serious monkey business was happening. Man oh man, am I quick or what? (NOT!) My Nancy Drew instincts led me to connect the dots and I realized he was edging towards the bank..."Oh my God! Is somebody robbing the bank? Do something!" I screamed. "SSSSHHHHHH!!!!" the policeman again shushed me and frantically tried to wave me to be quiet. I was stuck. Stuck in my car. And stuck with no protection whatsoever---if the robbers came flying out of the bank, firing aimlessly, I had no way to escape. I thought about asking for a Kevlar from my new police friend, but he looked busy so I didn't want to bug him anymore......I already felt like the biggest pest.
All of a sudden, 3 tellers came running out of the bank--the robbers let everyone go then apparently snuck out the back. Fortunately everyone was safe but the crime was not foiled. For some reason I feel like I might have been part of the problem as opposed to the solution......not sure why....
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Oompa Loompas and iPhones
My daughter is going into the 6th grade and she doesn't have a phone. To her, and most of her friends, this is a travesty and my "mommy ratings" have plummeted because I won't cave and buy her one. We made a rule long ago that our little people would get phones for 8th grade graduation, just prior to high school, and I'm sticking to my guns. What happened to earning something, paying for it yourself, or God forbid being asked to wait with patience.....everything is so fast and furious these days...so snappy speedy....gimme gimme gimme...it's enough to drive a person mental. Mix that with a relentless 11-yr-old female and you've got yourself a battling bonanza. I've been calling her Veruka Salt..........
You all remember that little spoiled witch from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. "Daddy! I want an Oompa Loompa and I want one NOW!" Switch the words Oompa Loompa and iPhone and it's the same scene except that I'm saying no. I've got to hand it to my mini me though, she does negotiate well and her art of persuasive selling is pretty decent. She has learned many things under my tutelage, and someday she will be a Master Sensei of Sass too, but not in this house. There's only room for one sheriff in town.....and her name is Kelly Von Sassypants......so back it up, sister!
You all remember that little spoiled witch from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. "Daddy! I want an Oompa Loompa and I want one NOW!" Switch the words Oompa Loompa and iPhone and it's the same scene except that I'm saying no. I've got to hand it to my mini me though, she does negotiate well and her art of persuasive selling is pretty decent. She has learned many things under my tutelage, and someday she will be a Master Sensei of Sass too, but not in this house. There's only room for one sheriff in town.....and her name is Kelly Von Sassypants......so back it up, sister!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Man Panel
Dear Sassies:
I'll be adding some contributing male writers to my blog and would love to hear from you with regards to questions you'd like answered or topics discussed......let's talk turkey with our mens and find out what they are really thinking, hating, loving, whatever.......send your goods, bads and everything in between to kelly@kellyvonsassypants.com Oooooooh what fun this is going to be! Sassylicious!
And don't forget to be awesome.
I'll be adding some contributing male writers to my blog and would love to hear from you with regards to questions you'd like answered or topics discussed......let's talk turkey with our mens and find out what they are really thinking, hating, loving, whatever.......send your goods, bads and everything in between to kelly@kellyvonsassypants.com Oooooooh what fun this is going to be! Sassylicious!
And don't forget to be awesome.
Did I Just Say That?
Thursday night I attended a fundraiser that was held outside...that's right--I said outside. Fundraising events in Dallas are always swanky...super tres chic... and at this time of year, usually inside, due to the blistering Texas heat. In a word, the summers here are oppressive.
I carefully picked my outfit, not an easy task for 103 degrees, knowing full well I'd be a hot mess within minutes. I aced that category but made a humomgo mistake when it came to my hair: I blew it out straight and wore it down...I have no idea what I was thinking. My locks are not silky smooth or easy to manage, but curly and frizzy.....not good curly like Nicole Kidman...more like Gene Wilder or Carrot Top. Pity.
When I climbed out of my car at the valet, I could feel my coiff going ballistic in the humid heat....I felt like I was in an Easy Bake Oven....shit......this was not working out. I was cranky and fussy and hadn't even entered the event. First stop....a much-needed cocktail.
I battled my way through the crowd.....and let me tell you, trying to make small talk while moving is very difficult, but I couldn't stop......the breeze created by my brisk walk was the only thing sustaining me...and knowing a cold glass of chardonnay was just inches away...."please let this be a bartender with a long pour," I silently prayed......
I ponied up to the bar and began mingling with a group of new friends....we chatted about this and that while I tried to remain cool and dry....not possible...the sweat was running down my back and into my jeans......butt sweat. I had to stand up or die. "Where are you going?" one of my new buddies inquired.
"Oh nowhere, just had to stand, I'm getting major butt sweat," I said with ease. My three new amigos just stared at me.....so I walked away.....I needed to air out anyway.
My next stop was an encounter with a breathtaking model who was wearing a couture dress that was one of the raffle prizes. She cut me off just before I escaped inside the restaurant for a much needed AC break and started yapping about the dress and designer. I wasn't listening at all because I was too busy giving her the once over....staring at her bony frame and wondering about her diet. "Do you ever eat burgers?" I asked. "Huh?" said Miss Perfect. "Burgers. Do you eat them? You should." She responded with a gratuitous chuckle and then said, "Thanks for the compliment." Was that a compliment? It wasn't meant to be. I really did want to know if she ever killed Quarter Pounders or not.
These are the things that keep me up at night: what do models eat and how do I prevent butt sweat? Are they proper conversation topics for highfalutin affairs? Probably not. But I'm sure other people wonder about this stuff too, they just don't ask. I, on the other hand, have no filter and will ask. I should wear a warning label that reads: Do not talk to me if you embarrass easily. Jeez.....you really can't take me anywhere.......
I carefully picked my outfit, not an easy task for 103 degrees, knowing full well I'd be a hot mess within minutes. I aced that category but made a humomgo mistake when it came to my hair: I blew it out straight and wore it down...I have no idea what I was thinking. My locks are not silky smooth or easy to manage, but curly and frizzy.....not good curly like Nicole Kidman...more like Gene Wilder or Carrot Top. Pity.
When I climbed out of my car at the valet, I could feel my coiff going ballistic in the humid heat....I felt like I was in an Easy Bake Oven....shit......this was not working out. I was cranky and fussy and hadn't even entered the event. First stop....a much-needed cocktail.
I battled my way through the crowd.....and let me tell you, trying to make small talk while moving is very difficult, but I couldn't stop......the breeze created by my brisk walk was the only thing sustaining me...and knowing a cold glass of chardonnay was just inches away...."please let this be a bartender with a long pour," I silently prayed......
I ponied up to the bar and began mingling with a group of new friends....we chatted about this and that while I tried to remain cool and dry....not possible...the sweat was running down my back and into my jeans......butt sweat. I had to stand up or die. "Where are you going?" one of my new buddies inquired.
"Oh nowhere, just had to stand, I'm getting major butt sweat," I said with ease. My three new amigos just stared at me.....so I walked away.....I needed to air out anyway.
My next stop was an encounter with a breathtaking model who was wearing a couture dress that was one of the raffle prizes. She cut me off just before I escaped inside the restaurant for a much needed AC break and started yapping about the dress and designer. I wasn't listening at all because I was too busy giving her the once over....staring at her bony frame and wondering about her diet. "Do you ever eat burgers?" I asked. "Huh?" said Miss Perfect. "Burgers. Do you eat them? You should." She responded with a gratuitous chuckle and then said, "Thanks for the compliment." Was that a compliment? It wasn't meant to be. I really did want to know if she ever killed Quarter Pounders or not.
These are the things that keep me up at night: what do models eat and how do I prevent butt sweat? Are they proper conversation topics for highfalutin affairs? Probably not. But I'm sure other people wonder about this stuff too, they just don't ask. I, on the other hand, have no filter and will ask. I should wear a warning label that reads: Do not talk to me if you embarrass easily. Jeez.....you really can't take me anywhere.......
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