Did I Just Say That?

Thursday night I attended a fundraiser that was held outside...that's right--I said outside.  Fundraising events in Dallas are always swanky...super tres chic... and at this time of year, usually inside, due to the blistering Texas heat.  In a word, the summers here are oppressive.

I carefully picked my outfit, not an easy task for 103 degrees, knowing full well I'd be a hot mess within minutes.  I aced that category but made a humomgo mistake when it came to my hair: I blew it out straight and wore it down...I have no idea what I was thinking.  My locks are not silky smooth or easy to manage, but curly and frizzy.....not good curly like Nicole Kidman...more like Gene Wilder or Carrot Top. Pity. 

When I climbed out of my car at the valet, I could feel my coiff going ballistic in the humid heat....I felt like I was in an Easy Bake Oven....shit......this was not working out. I was cranky and fussy and hadn't even entered the event. First stop....a much-needed cocktail.

I battled my way through the crowd.....and let me tell you, trying to make small talk while moving is very difficult, but I couldn't stop......the breeze created by my brisk walk was the only thing sustaining me...and knowing a cold glass of chardonnay was just inches away...."please let this be a bartender with a long pour," I silently prayed......

I ponied up to the bar and began mingling with a group of new friends....we chatted about this and that while I tried to remain cool and dry....not possible...the sweat was running down my back and into my jeans......butt sweat.  I had to stand up or die.  "Where are you going?" one of my new buddies inquired.
"Oh nowhere, just had to stand, I'm getting major butt sweat," I said with ease.  My three new amigos just stared at me.....so I walked away.....I needed to air out anyway. 

My next stop was an encounter with a breathtaking model who was wearing a couture dress that was one of the raffle prizes. She cut me off  just before I escaped inside the restaurant for a much needed AC break and started yapping about the dress and designer.  I wasn't listening at all because I was too busy giving her the once over....staring at her bony frame and wondering about her diet.  "Do you ever eat burgers?" I asked.  "Huh?" said Miss Perfect.  "Burgers.  Do you eat them?  You should."    She responded with a gratuitous chuckle and then said, "Thanks for the compliment."  Was that a compliment? It wasn't meant to be. I really did want to know if she ever killed  Quarter Pounders or not.

These are the things that keep me up at night: what do models eat and how do I prevent butt sweat?  Are they proper conversation topics for highfalutin affairs?  Probably not.  But I'm sure other people wonder about this stuff too, they just don't ask.  I, on the other hand, have no filter and will ask.  I should wear a warning label that reads:  Do not talk to me if you embarrass easily.  Jeez.....you really can't take me anywhere.......