Wall Street Journal....WHAT???????

An excellent daily read......

Mullet Mayhem

Last week I took the kids to get haircuts and had a lively conversation with the hairdresser regarding styles that make comebacks or mutate into something similar we have seen before:  bangs vs. no bangs, the bob, the shag, the "Rachel", the Farrah Fawcett rolls, braids, straight hair, curly hair, etc.....they all have their place in fashion history and we will surely see them again....the only exception, that is not worth repeating....the mullet. 

I thought this was an understood, unspoken fashion no-no that we all silently agreed upon.  Apparently this news did not get to 'Billy Wayne' in the orange swim trunks on the Flo' Bama beach.  His long mullet would make any of the 84' high school football teams jealous. Billy Wayne was flipping the frisbee around while flying his mullet proudly.....all the while regaling his days of old on the field and shot-gunning beers.  Coors Light, please.

In the past four days I've seen at least ten of these bad boys and it's all I can do to restrain myself from yelling, "Why do you have that stupid-ass hair??!?!"

After watching these imbeciles mill around while "air-guitaring" to Night Ranger, I decided it was my civic duty to compile a list of "Dont's" for these male yo-yos:

1) Mullets
2) Denim shorts (jorts)
3) Gold nugget jewelery
4) Phone toggles that hook to your pants
5) Concert t-shirts

and...the most important....don't ever take a date to TGI Fridays........

I Love Beach Gluttony

Still at the beach.....loving life and the freedom to "day drink" and eat without any responsibility or schedule...."What time is it? Alrighty....11:00am?....will you please go get Mommy a Corona....and throw some Funyons in with that order too..."  Shame that we have to wear a bathing suit during beach trips because I feel like a chubby hobbit after the endless chips and queso...the only way I could kill more grub is if I had the ability to unhinge my jaw.  At least I have some color now....tan fat looks so much better than white fat....you've always got to find that silver lining, right?!

Pee Pee First Aid

I'm kickin' it with the fam this week at the beach in Flo'Bama.  The Alabama beach is full of thick southern accents mixed with the Cajuns from Louisianna; I feel like I need a translator.  Everyone is super friendly but I have no idea what they are saying.  Last night my son was stung by a jellyfish and as he hobbled up to the beach house with my husband, I heard our neighbor yell something indecipherable.  I yelled back, "Come again.  I didn't hear you."  Again this guy yelled something and I was still clueless. 

I guess his buddy could tell by my expression that I was still in the dark because he hollered at the top of his lungs, "He said he done got stung too and that you need to piss on it!" 

Now that I understood.  Loud and clear.

The Cup

My son recently started playing lacrosse...a sport that requires his first cup. I was left with the daunting task of buying this thing and I thought it was a very confusing purchase--the sizing chart was strange and the cups all looked gigantic to me....but what did I know...I went with the recommendation given to me by the sales guy and went on my merry way.

I got home and told my son I bought his cup.  He looked at me, laughed, and then ripped into the bag like two monkeys ripping into a cupcake.......Bingo!  He quickly inserted it and fidgeted about, all the while telling me "not to look at him" while he shimmied it in. It's not like he doesn't constantly have one hand down his pants or anything--I see this business all the time--puhleeze!  He quickly removed it and stared for a few moments, examining both the cup and the fitted undergarment that was to be worn in tandem with the cup.......after a few more seconds of pondering and exploration, he took the cup, put it against his mouth and nose and said,  "Luke Skywalker, I am your father."  Perfect.  Outside of being a protective device, it seems the man-cup has many uses, if you just open your mind....

Last year we were having a lovely Easter brunch at my brother's house and the kitchen was full of delicious foods.....I finished up the fruit salad and proudly displayed my colorful mix smack dab in the middle of the table. Done. When I walked away from the table, my youngest nephew crept up to the table and slammed his big dirty mitts into the fruit salad.  When his mom saw him doing this, she yelled in frustrated disgust, "For God's sake Dillon, use a spoon and get a bowl!"  He looked around, spied his brother's cup on the counter (and yes, he had worn it earlier in a baseball game) and proudly filled said cup with a mound of fruit.   It was in fact bowl-like and it was accessible....and it was quite fitting as a holder for melon balls.....

Love To Hear From You!

I've received many emails regarding the blog -- thank you thank you thank you!  You can reach me at kelly@kellyvonsassypants.com OR just post a comment at the bottom of any blog post you'd like.....full-on sass is not only welcome but encouraged.....

Overachiever

It seems my ponytail-making abilities have gone by the wayside, if you ask my daughter.  These days I'm always missing her targeted bulls-eye of the "perfect" spot.  "Mom, that's too high...that's too low.....too much to the side....that stinks, Mom...."

Blah, blah, blah, blah..... yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time Debbie Downer.

This morning I told her she was high maintenance and she responded with a sincere, "Thank you." 

I stared at her quizzically and she said, "Wait.  Is that an achievement?" 

"If it is," I said, "then you are an over-achiever, my dear."  DUH--WINNING!

I Saida' Hip Hop Hippy to the Hippity Hip Hip Hop Ya' Don't Stop.....

Before my kids compete in any sporting event, we listen to music in order to get amped up. Decent tunes are an inspirational necessity to me and I'm working to instill the same feelings in my kids; but it has to be the right music. Slowly but surely, I'm achieving some semblance of appreciation from my little Olympians for old school jams. Word.  Word up.  Word to the mother. Boyyyyyy!  Where is my Flava' Flave clock?!?!?

It all started a few months ago when my little guy was singing Katy Perry's "Firework" as he dressed for flag football.  Ummmm...this was not going to fly in the sports arena. Stop it! He needed the Eye of  the Tiger and Katy P was not going to get him there. 

I gave him my iPod and played a little sumpin' sumpin' from LL Cool J -  "Mama Said Knock You Out."  He listened for about 5 seconds and said, "Mom. This song is terrible."  "Ummm...no...this song is retro greatness and you need to give it a chance," I pleaded.  The words are lyrical steroids and if I listened to it while running a marathon, I'd be up front with the Kenyans--fo shizzle. 

He listened intently and then removed the iPod.  Nothing.  No commentary whatsoever.  I felt like a chump. 

A few days later, while getting ready for lax, I heard him quietly singing, "I'm gonna' take this itty bitty world by storm....and I'm just gettin' warm...." 

It was one of my greatest mommy moments ever and I felt so accomplished.  My son was officially "funky fresh".

Hey Shorty, It's My Birthday!!!!

I'd like to take a moment and thank all of you who wished me a Happy Birthday on my Sassypants Facebook page--what lovely wishes and whimsical sentiments--I'm floating on love bubbles!  I'm reminded of my favorite birthday wish:

Happy Coming Out of Your Mom's Vagina Day!!!!!

Awesome.

Sassy Sports Talk

I like sports as much as the next chick, but I do have to say my viewing pleasure and "favorite" player picks are usually governed by either 1) If the guy is eye candy (i.e. Becks, Roger Federer or Tom Brady) and 2) If he says or does something funny.  

JJ Barea recently made it onto my "it" list but not because of  the aforementioned reasons or because of the Mavericks World Champion title, but because he's so tiny and cute I want to squeeze him to death.  And laddy Rory Mcilroy is a recent inductee too because he gave props out to his Belfast pubs and mates to stay up late while the Guinness flowed last night....what a good Irish boy you are, Rory!

But this morning my husband turned me onto a comment by one of the Texas Rangers that I think is spectacular.  Apparently Adrian Beltre has been challenged by hamstring soreness yet he continues to wear his big boy underwear and man-up on the baseball diamond.  On Saturday he turned first base awkwardly and manager Ron Washington told Beltre he "didn't like the way it looked." 

Beltre's response:  "So stop looking at me."

Spoken like a true smart-ass.  Well done, Adrian!!!!!

Groovy Daddy-O Day!

A big hug and high-five to all you Daddies out there in Sassyland--Happy Fathers Day!  May your day bring you lots of R&R this Sunday: tons of couch time, confiscate that remote control, fill your viewing pleasure with as much ESPN and US Open your precious eyeballs can take.....and top it off with a frosty cold brew. 

You sweet Mac Daddies rule supreme and we all love you.  Thanks for all your awesomeness and endless piggy back rides.  And there is nothing better than a big warm bear hug from Daddy.  No matter how old we get, it always makes us feel safe and warm.  Enjoy your day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf5mDMWYRmE

I Scream You Scream We All Scream for Boxed Wine

Recently our neighborhood grocery store started selling wine. There had been rumblings and talk among mommies in the hood for months, "Did you hear the news?  We are getting wine down the street!"..."I heard it will be in stock next week"..."I can't remember the last time I was this excited"..."the ability to drive 200 yards down the way to buy vino....."  This was noteworthy of a designated holiday.....Mommy Wine Day

We were all like bright-eyed children awaiting Santa Claus.

With much anticipation, the day finally arrived.  I hopped in my car and sped down the way....still in blissful disbelief that mommy grape juice was literally down the street. I ran into the grocery store, waved hello to the cashiers and produce folks, and sprinted to what I thought would be the wine aisle. 

I was met by a crowd of angry women who were ready to take somebody down-think witch hunts.  "Are you freaking kidding me? This is what they are touting as wine?"  "Seriously, this is complete b.s. Where's the effing manager?" 

When I finally crammed my big head through the wolfpack to see for myself, I understood what all the commotion was about.  There were three choices of wine and the prices ranged from $2.97 to $4.98.  And I'm not kidding.  One brand claimed to be a "Red Table Wine" but it was more of a burnt orange color.  This was an outrage.  Didn't these people know this shit would never fly in our cul-de-sac?  Where was the good stuff?  The $9 bottles?  COME ON PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!

I found my favorite bag boy and pulled him aside, "David, what's going on here? Is this a joke?  Are we being Punk'd? Where's the good stuff?"   He gave me a sly smile and said they were still stocking and to wait just a minute....he'd go get me the high-rent stash....Aces!  I felt so VIP, so elite, so special.  I had a personal shopper on the inside who saved the best for me.....wow.

I walked around the corner of the aisle with him and eagerly awaited as he disappeared through the double doors.  He came out moments later, a spring in his step and a big goofy smile on his face, carrying a bottle I didn't recognize....he stopped in front of me....proudly displaying the treasured "good stuff".  "Mrs. Bennett, here is your Arbor Mist....."

3DAY Walk Slideshow--Celebrate Life

Celebrating my best friend's 15 year anniversary--breast cancer free!  Here's to all who have battled or are battling breast cancer....Keep kicking ass, ladies!  You are all such beautiful inspirational souls......

3DAY Walk 2007 Slideshow--Stephanie and Kelly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM889oDRQMw

Keep It Classy; Don't Be a Moron

The older my kids get and the more involved with sports they become, I'm witnessing more and more the crazy behavior displayed by some parents.  To be competitive is one thing but to create environments that completely beat people down due to impossibly high standards and expectations is quite another.  My nephews play ice hockey, which is an extremely demanding and expensive sport.  Recently, my sister-in-law experienced an alternate universe of wickedness that prompted her to write the following.....I think it should be the hallmark for all childhood sports:

What I Want for My $3200:

Short term:

A place where my boys can:

Have fun

Enjoy their friends

Learn discipline

Learn to challenge themselves

Learn to win and lose and know that it doesn’t define them

Learn loyalty

Fail and succeed

Create greatness

Long term:

My boys to:

               Take all the lessons from the list above and apply them to their life

               Have a beer with their teammates 20 years from now and talk
               about all the fun they had

    Remember their parents being proud of their efforts

Which Super Power Would You Choose?

My kids were yapping earlier about various hypotheticals and my son posed the question, "If you could choose a super power which would you choose and why?"  My daughter took about two seconds and then responded, "I'd be invisible.  Then I could just stand around during the mile run in P.E. class."  Brilliant.

Where's Alice the Housekeeper When You Need Her?

Yesterday I had a total of 6 kids spend the night. The plan was to enjoy a leisurely day at the pool--thinking it would be that easy jinxed my plan from the get go...Note to self:  Positive thinking as a Mommy only causes bad juju!  From now on I'm going to lower my expectations....

We set out in my mommy bus and headed to pool choice #1: closed for maintenance.  Pool choice #2: closed for a special event.  Pool choice #3: group swim lessons-no swimming.  Pool #4:  too "babyish" per the kids. Pool #5: just plain gross with a duck floating in it....by this point the growing frustration was palpable and everyone was whining, "I'm hot!"  "This stinks!"  "I'm bored!"   I couldn't stand the constant flurry of complaints...."Let's find a good song on the radio," I tried to offer with a cheery voice.  Good Lord, NOT that C Lo Green song again...switch station...."I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack..." and not that skanky Kesha song....."Mom, I love that song put it back," my 10 year old demanded.
Awesome...just the lyrics I want you singing......with no ideas and the tribe growing restless, I offered up the $20 in my bag and a free-for-all at 7-11.  We pulled into the convenient store and one by one they ran in with my 20 bucks.  I had no idea what they were buying....slurpees and candy: the ultimate sugar rush...Red Bull, and cigarettes?  I had no idea and I didn't care.  I was just happy to steal 2 minutes of quiet time before they piled back in the car.  Out they came with an arsenal of funyons, chocolate, slurpees, gum, etc.....I still had 6 hours to go with this 2LiveCrew and we had nothing to do and no pools to visit.........Where was Alice the housekeeper?  I needed her!

A Tibetan Monk, 1 Strawberry Danish, And A Dumb-Ass Part III

With no food left in the entire airport and kids on the brink of starvation, I emptied my purse and diaper bag in order to find something edible....even an old piece of chewed gum thrown back in my purse would have helped.  This was one time I was glad my kids used my bag as a trash can--maybe I could find some old snacks to recycle.  Score!  An old protein bar had been opened and was stuck to the bottom of my bag--I scraped it off, picked the lint out of it and reshaped it into a rectangle.  I pulled it out and tried my best to present it with excitement, "Look kids!  Yummy!  You guys can split this."  "Why is it all fuzzy, Mommy?"  "Oh...um....that's just little shards of oats sticking out...here just eat it...."  They chowed down the furry bar and glugged my last sips of diet coke I'd been rationing (all backwash).  I looked at my youngest and could tell by his quivering lip that he was on the brink of another meltdown...we HAD to get out of this hell hole. My mind began to race..."Please please please...announce our flight....ready to board...let's go.....I need a xanax......." The room started spinning, my vision was blurred, my head was full of noise and pent up frustration.  And then, without a sane second to spare, the Travel Gods smiled upon us, "Flight 436 is now boarding....."  We still had another flight to take and then a 10 hour drive ahead of us....but we were moving again and well on our way...life was good.

Sassy Address

Please contact me in Sassyland:  kelly@kellyvonsassypants.com   Would love to hear from you and any thoughts/comments/stories you'd like to share.

A Tibetan Monk, 1 Strawberry Danish, And A Dumb-Ass Part II

In our quest for food, we managed to force our way through the unruly crowd to the terminal snack bar.  When we finally found the end of the line, we dropped our bags and did all we could to keep our kids from falling apart at the seams....they were hot, hungry, cranky and fussy...and I was in need of a stiff drink. Or a lobotomy. 

We were in line behind a Tibetan Monk who I couldn't stop staring at. He wore the traditional robe, shaved head and all that jazz, but he had on Air Jordans and was going techno bananas on his Blackberry.  Was he allowed to do that?  What was he looking at?  Downloading Gregorian chants from iTunes?  Who knows.  It was weird.  More importantly, his sense of calm and inner peace irritated the shit out of me.  While I was sweating and anxious, he smiled freely, moved slowly with ease, and I'm pretty sure he merrily whistled a few times.  I couldn't stand this man.  While silently cursing this spiritual soul, I was suddenly distracted by the next guy in line...

If the monk embodied all that was quiet and pure, the guy in front of him embodied all things loud, repetitive and stupid.  He was, in a word, a dipshit.  His constant yapping was exhausting and he was really loud.....he was also a finger-poker...."Hey buddy, you're up," he said as he jabbed the poor fellow next in line.  "Let's keep the line going fella', we are all ready for some grub," he roared. He looked around at us as all and continued, "Am I right or am I right people....Geez what a nightmare this is.....I'm supposed to be in Denver by 2pm...like that's gonna' happen...."   

"Oh. My. God.  Just shut your effing stupid piehole, order your food and keep on truckin'," I huffed to myself.

When blockhead finally got up to order, the poor girl at the snack bar nervously looked at him and said, "Would you like this strawberry danish or the bag of Lays?" Her poor hands were shaking   "I'd like the nachos please and a Coke."  "No...sir...you don't understand...this is all we have left.  That's it: the danish or the chips."  I looked at the two items in stock and decided I'd rather eat my entire case of Altoids.  The danish looked like it had been inside of a shoe--it was all wadded up and wet looking.  The bag of chips was completely smashed. "Oh, right....then I'll just take a hot dog."  This dumb-ass continued on and on and on, ordering items that were long gone until he finally took BOTH the danish and the chips.  My kids watched as this chump downed the chips right in front of them and then washed it down with the slimy danish--they cried and screamed as they reached for the empty packages--it was worse than that scene in Sophie's Choice when Meryl Streep has to leave one of her kids behind. There was no calming them down and we had no food.  By this point, I had turned into "Crazy Mommy" and I would have taken down an elderly person if I thought they had a candy bar or something to eat.........

to be cont'd.......

A Tibetan Monk, 1 Strawberry Danish, And A Dumb-Ass Part I

I was looking at pictures today and came across some from a ski trip we took a few years ago.  The actual "vacation" part of our trip only lasted 2.5 days because the insane odyssey we were on in order to get there took over 3 days.

It was December 2008 and the Bennetts were going skiing for the very first time.  We were loading up our car to get to the airport and heard the weather report that would completely jack with our arrival plans.  Little did we know that we were not only going to battle some fierce winter elements, but we were also entering the Twilight Zone.......

We left Dallas to fly to Albuquerque and then planned to drive to Colorado.  Within minutes of take-off, the pilot came on and said we were racing against a snow storm that might be problematic....but we'll just see......with each passing minute I felt more confident that we would outrun the Abominable Snowman....the last leg of the flight, I heard the crackle of the overhead speaker and silently said to myself, "Please, please, please, please say we're home free..."  "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking, it appears we will have to detour and land in El Paso due to the winter storm...."  "Shit, shit, shit......we were SO close!"  I thought to myself.

We landed in El Paso and and were told the length of the stay was unknown.....we were sequestered there for three hours and it seemed an eternity.....

We departed the plane and walked down the terminal ramp like a herd of cattle.  The space was narrow and it was hotter than Hades.  And it smelled like b.o. and salami.  I knew we were screwed.  As soon as we came into the actual airport we wondered what all the commotion was in the crowd.  A fight?  Someone in labor?  What the hell was everyone doing crowding around in such a small space?  We pushed our way through the mosh pit and realized the entire airport was jamfuckingpacked.  Hundreds of people had been re-routed to this airport and there wasn't one free square inch of physical space anywhere.  And it was so bloody hot.  The heater was cranked high and everyone seemed to be in panic mode.  There were couples fighting, babies screaming, toddler's melting down quicker than the Wicked Witch of the West---not an ounce of zen in the entire place, save for the Tibetan monk standing next to me in the snack bar line.....

The Lasso

When you need to get the party started and reel dancers to the flo'---try "The Lasso"  My sister-in-law, Bridget and I last night at a fundraiser.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2i3yctHaBc

If Barbie Could Talk.......

A classic SNL piece--Barbie at 50--LOOOOOVE THIS!

http://www.hulu.com/watch/62444/saturday-night-live-barbie-visits-update-at-50

Retro Back-Sass: Reverse Psychology Tool For Parents

I've had it up to here with the constant huffing and puffing, eye-rolling, bad attitudes, and overall pain-in-the-assness from my kids lately.  I am praying this is a short phase and they are just trying to establish some independence and push the envelope a little.  It had better be.  I have become white noise to my kids. And I've tried every effort to correct this behavior: positive reinforcement, taking away privileges, grounding them......everything has failed miserably.  The other day we were in the store and my kids were absolute monsters with no listening skills whatsoever.  I completely lost my shit and I hate when that happens because you're the one that looks like the spectacle.  I mean seriously, you harbor these little people for 9 months, feed them, bathe them, care for them.....give them endless Webkinz and Wii games.....for what in return?  A bunch of lip service and never-ending "But why nots?!?!?!"

I have given this much critical thought and I've decided to fight fire with fire.  Who do they think they are, anyway?  This is NOT a democracy. My husband and I own their butts until they are 18. If they think they can out-sass me they are crazy.  I am as tenacious as Atilla the Hun when it comes to debate. I will have the last word (or at least frustrate and confuse them into a state of silence) 

I have pulled a few gems from my memory bank that I think serve verbal arguments well.  The following are a few of my favorites:

1) La la la la la ala....I'm not listening.
2) You're rubber and I'm glue whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
3) I know you are but what am I?
And when all else fails and you're about to turn into Joan Crawford.....use the following as your trump card...
4) Infinity!

That word alone says it all: "I have claimed the highest high and you have nowhere to go, kid!"

Take that...haters!  Happy Parenting!!!!!